I Still Remember
by PizzaTop21
Summary: Kendall reflects back on the day that changed his life forever...  September 11, 2001...


**Ok, you guys. We all know what today is. That's right, the 10****th**** anniversary of 9/11. It's absolutely horrible what happened, something no one in this nation will ever forget. Some people are still filled with sadness, other people anger, but we are all trying to move on as a whole. **

**Oh, and just to let you know, the italics is a flashback…**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush.**

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><p>"'<em>For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" –Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)<em>

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><p>Kendall sat on his bed, holding the picture that he brought with him everywhere. It had been ten years. Ten years since that fateful day, ten years since his life changed forever.<p>

It had been ten years since his father was killed.

Kendall was only six at the time, but he remembers that day perfectly. He remembers being at school, but then his mother came rushing in, carrying a newborn Katie, crying and saying they had to leave. Kendall had been so confused. Why was his mother crying? Why did he have to leave?

"_Mommy?" Six-year-old Kendall asked in the car as they were driving home. "Why are you sad?"_

_Mrs. Knight looked at her young son with tears in her eyes. How could she tell a six-year-old that his daddy would never come home? How could she tell him his father wouldn't get to see him grow up?_

"_Mommy," Kendall repeated. "Tell me what's going on!"_

"_Oh, Kendall, baby," Mrs. Knight said as she pulled the car over so she could look at him properly. "Do you remember how Daddy went on a business trip all the way to New York?"_

_Kendall nodded excitedly. "Yeah! He said he would get back in time to see me play my very first hockey game!"_

_Mrs. Knight held back a sob and continued looking at Kendall straight in the eye. "Kendall, honey, Daddy's not going to be able to see you play."_

_Now Kendall was looking very confused. "What do you mean? But he promised me!"_

"_Kendall, do you remember in the _Lion King_ when Mufassa died?"_

"_Yeah."_

"_Well, there was a…accident in New York, honey. Daddy has…"_

_Kendall sensed his mother's hesitation. "What is it, Mommy? What happened to Daddy?"_

"_Daddy is dead, Kendall. He's not coming home, dear."_

_Mrs. Knight expected Kendall to burst out in tears, scream, anything really. Instead, the poor boy just looked at his mother with an even greater look of confusion. "What are you talking about? If he's dead, that means I won't see him, I… can't look at him…"_

"_Honey, he will always be with you. No matter where you are, no matter what you're doing, your father will be there." Mrs. Knight quickly wiped the lone tear that had fallen from her eye before Kendall could see it. She reached over for her purse and pulled something out. "Here. This is my favorite picture of Daddy. I want you to have it."_

_Kendall held out a trembling hand and took the small picture is mother was holding and looked at it. It was his father, dressed in his fishing gear. Kendall was beside him, also dressed in fishing gear. They were both smiling huge smiles and Kendall could see his father's arm around his shoulder. _

_He remembered this day. It was the day that Mr. Knight had finally gotten to teach Kendall how to fish. They went up to the small lake just outside their small town and fished the day away. Kendall remembered it as the best day of his life._

_And that's when he lost it. Kendall looked at the picture, then at his mother, then the window, and finally back at the picture. Seeing his father's smile, he burst out into tears and shook and trembled from the force of his sobs. Mrs. Knight looked at her sobbing son and that's when she finally lost it too. Kendall climbed over into the driver's seat with his mom and she held them as they both cried harder than they ever had before._

As Kendall stared at the picture of his father and himself, dressed in fishing gear, he felt what he did every year on this day.

It was a national tragedy, the newspapers said. It was the start of a war, the future said. But Kendall knew it was so much more than that. As he grew older, he learned more about what happened that September day.

Mr. Knight wasn't even supposed to be on that trip. His coworker was the one who was supposed to be in New York, in the World Trade Center, on that day. But the night before the trip, he got sick, and Mr. Knight had to cover for him. At first, Kendall was furious at that guy who made his father take his place. But when he called on the phone, sobbing, and begging for forgiveness, Kendall's anger lessened and he eventually forgave Mr. Robano.

The days and months after it happened had extremely hard on the Knight family. Mrs. Knight had to get a job and still keep the house standing, Kendall was incredibly sad all the time, and even Baby Katie cried more. The whole town was mourning his death, he had been the only one in the small town who had been a victim.

As the years passed, Kendall began to realize that he wasn't the only one going through this. He realized that thousands of people were going through the exact same thing. James, having lived in New York before moving to Minnesota, had lost a few close family friends. Logan's dad knew some colleagues who were in one of the twin towers when the plane hit. Kendall began to realize he wasn't the only one who lost a father.

As he entered his teen years, he could finally look at the fishing picture without tearing up. He could look into the small box of his father's possessions that Mrs. Knight gathered without wanting to throw it out the window. He could see his best friends with _their_ dads and not feel a ting of jealousy flash through him. He was healing, but everyday on this day, he feels like the past ten years of healing had washed away, and he had to start all over again.

Kendall was never one to cry, over anything. He the leader, a strong individual, and he always believed tears made you weak. And that's why he did not cry. Kendall had to be strong for his family, he was the man of the house now. He had to hold up Katie and his mom. If he cried now, he wouldn't be able to do that.

An hour passed, then two. Kendall still stayed in that spot, just staring at the picture of his father. He didn't even notice when the bedroom door opened. He didn't notice James, Carlos, and Logan sitting down on the bed with him. Only when they wrapped him into a hug did he realize their presence.

Kendall felt their arms around him and heard them breathing in and out, and that's when everything cam rushing back to him. The night before 9/11, his father's funeral, the pain he felt at every hockey game when he looked into the stands only to see his father wasn't there. Kendall held back the tears as long as he could, but then he realized he didn't have to hold himself up this time. His best friends were here to do that.

So, he finally let himself go. He cried, and sobbed, and wept will his friends held him, rubbed his back, and whispered this or that to him. He buried his head into one of the guys' shoulder and cried harder than he had in years. After half an hour, his sobs turned to cries, after another fifteen minutes, they were nothing more than whimpers.

Kendall looked up at his friends and wiped his eyes. "Sorry about that," he whispered.

Carlos stared at him, his expression hard. "Do not apologize to us, Kendall. You have every reason to cry. It's ok."

Kendall stared back. "No, it's not, Carlos. I'm not allowed to cry."

Logan rubbed Kendall's back with his right hand. "Says who? No one has ever said you can't cry."

"Not in words," Kendall argued. "I have to be strong for Mom and Katie. Being strong means not crying. So, I can't let myself cry."

James stood up. "Kendall, all your life, you have thought of others first. Somehow, you've come to believe you have to protect everyone from everything. You say that you can't let yourself fall, but that's not true. You have us to hold you up, so you don't have to do it on your own. It's time to think about yourself for a change, and what is best for _you._"

"I miss him."

Logan felt tears well up in his eyes. "It's ok to miss him. We miss him too. What happened was the most… _horrible_ thing that could happen. But there is a reason it happened, Kendall. I don't know what it is, or when we'll know. But there is some reason why your father was taken the way he was."

"Yeah," Carlos agreed. "Think about it. If it wasn't for your dad, Mr. Robano would have been the one who died. He has five kids, his wife is dead, no other family members. What do you think would have happened to those little kids, Kendall?"

James sat back down. "Your dad was one of the kindest people I have ever met. He was like a second dad to me. He would be proud of who you are today, Kendall. He would be so proud. But I think he wouldn't want you to feel like this. I think he would want you to let someone else help hold you up,"

Kendall whimpered. They were all right. He couldn't continue thinking there was no one else to help him. He had to allow someone to hold him up. "Alright, but you you're going to have to show me how."

The three other boys smiled. "I think we can make that happen," Carlos said. He held out his hand. "Come with us."

Kendall took the hand and James, Carlos, and Logan led him to the door. But while they went through it, he stayed back. He took one more look at the photo. He would never forget his father, how could he? His father was a great man, but he would not want Kendall to dwell in the past and concentrate on what he could not change. He would want Kendall to move on.

Kendall stole just one more glance, then he put the picture back on his pocket, and he followed his friends out the door.

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><p><strong>911 changed our country's history forever. But I strongly believe there was a reason it happened, though I'm not sure what it could** **be. Maybe it was to make us stronger as a whole, or bring us closer together. Whatever reason it is, it's there, and it is not going anywhere. We cannot change what happened, it's just not possible, but we can learn from it. Do not forget, but don't let this tragedy stop you. **


End file.
